Square Pegs. Round Holes: Gays and Lesbians in Straight Marriages

The difficulties faced by homosexuals who marry heterosexuals.

We've all heard the old saying, but have you ever thought about what would really happen if you tried to hammer a square peg into a round hole? For one, you would find the corners of the peg would get shaved off as it enters the hole. Next, you would see spaces where the sides of the peg don't touch the hole. Finally, you might break a lot of pegs in the process.

This old adage makes a great analogy for what life is like for lesbians and gays that find themselves in mixed orientation marriages. This may happen through denial, when homosexuals are too overwhelmed by social consequences to acknowledge their true sexual orientation. It may also happen through intent, because a conscious decision is made to reject homosexuality. In neither of these cases do gays or lesbians actually become straight, however. They were and will always be homosexual and that creates a problem which generally tends to escalate over the long term. Let's take a look at our analogy.

The shaved corners represent parts of the gay or lesbian persona that have to be hacked away in order to live a straight life. The most significant factor is romantic emotional attachment. While you will often hear a homosexual who is married to the opposite sex profess they love their spouse, rarely will you hear them assert they were in love when they were married. It is a subtle difference, but ever so important a distinction. It is the difference between a smoke-bomb and a firework. The very definition of a lesbian or gay is someone who forms romantic attachment to the same sex. For the gay party, love derived from living in gay-straight marriage might be comparable to marriage to a best friend. It might be initially comforting, but not ultimately satisfying.

Directly related to love, the gay or lesbian also gives up a certain amount of physical satisfaction. We all know sex is best when we are in love, so even though the plumbing all "fits" in gay-straight marriages, there is usually a profound sense of something gone missing. To the straight spouse, the concept of homosexual sex is often described as unnatural. To homosexual couples it could not be more natural.

To continue our square peg analogy, the spaces that are left between peg and hole are representative of losses. The gay or lesbian that lives a straight life is very much isolated in their life experience. Usually this is a very closely guarded personal secret that they are unable to share with anyone close to them and especially to their spouse. This isolation can easily lead to depression and further emotional detachment. Even if the homosexual spouse does venture into the gay community to find social contacts, there is a loss of integrity that is associated with the secrecy and subterfuge that usually accompanies that action.

Finally, some forced pegs do break. Suicidal thoughts are not uncommon among lesbians and gays who are in straight marriages. There is a point at which the gay spouse may see no way out of their situation. There may be children involved, financial responsibilities and the commitment to the marriage itself, all of which conspire to overwhelm clear decision making. Even though the majority of homosexuals respond to the situation without resort to self harm, there will always be broken psyches and broken hearts for both spouses who face this issue.

About the author: Pat Cheney is a life coach working with gays and lesbians who are coming out in midlife and with spouses in gay-straight marriages. To find out more about her services, visit Pat's website at http://www.discoveringpride.com.